I am writing this blog with the Hallmark holiday “Mother’s Day” taking place this weekend in the USA. My mind is on fast forward as I think of the complicated relationships between children and mothers. I know it’s universal because I have attended hundreds of hours of consciousness workshops and the mother-child relationship is often the central topic of conversation when deconstructing our own strengths and gaps.
The word Mother is a noun, but it evokes more emotion than probably any other word in the dictionary. Today families are so diverse, single parents doing it all, gay men who are also mothers to their children, and children who feel compelled to become mothers to their parents. I recently learned this is called “Parentification”.
I became a mother when my first daughter was born on Mother’s Day in 1991. My biggest fear was that something would happen to me, and my husband would have no idea what to do. From the beginning we shared feedings, diaper changes, and I had a detailed dry erase board with her ever changing schedule. He did once give her an “overdose” of vitamins instead of baby Tylenol when I had a bridal-shower, and he could not understand why the Tylenol didn’t help with her teething irritability. However, I do have photos of my husband blow-drying my daughter’s hair for a party when I was busy with our other children. Recently, my youngest daughter told me that she observed that mom/dad roles did not have to be in the traditional sense, and she appreciates this.
I also realize that calendar dates like Mother’s Day evokes sadness for missing a loved one or for those trying to have a baby and it’s not going according to plan. In these situations, finding others who share your experience will be incredibly helpful. Talking things out with others who understand is extremely healing. Even talking to a coach in a space where you feel safe and can speak from the core of your heart can help you walk this path with resilience. Remember the path is the path whether you walk it in pain or with strength.
Recently a mom asked me if my Do Overs method will make her child like her again. I explained that the Do Overs method is not about changing the child’s thought process, but rather the change begins by learning to love ourselves so deeply that we no longer take things personally. When we don’t need our children’s validation to fill our own gaps, our reactivity (burning pain in our chest) is diffused, and the parent-child relationship will naturally improve over time, especially if we can use our child’s outburst to reflect on our trigger and then connect with them.
For parents:
Before you do anything else, be the BEST mom/parent to YOURSELF. Even if you don’t have children yet, you can still support yourself. Picture yourself at any young age and parent the heck out of that person. Be unconditional, no naming or blaming just hugs and love. Children of any age want their parents to be happy. They will absorb your energy and it gives them a strong sense of security seeing you happy.
If you have more than one child, remember they are unique and trying to parent them the exact same way, it’s going to backfire. We want to prove to our children that we love them equally despite their differences. You are being responsible if you get to know what each child needs and parent accordingly. The collective family will be happier and stronger as a result.
If you need help managing your expectations around these Hallmark holidays or would like a Do Over to reconnect with your children, your mother, or even to reset the unresolved memory of a mother that has passed on, it’s NEVER too late! I am here to guide you with love and compassion.
Whatever your definition of “Mother”, enjoy the day if you are celebrating.
For those new to my blog, my past blogs will go deeper into words like awareness, triggers, reactivity etc. Or reach out and I will help you on your journey.
~Andi
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